"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."

Monday was a really long day... I won't go into it, but it was one of the worst work days I've ever had. As I was about to leave the office for my commute home to pick up my 14 year old after 6 pm, my coworker told me her husband was "working a suicide" cleanup in the town I live in. I asked if he knew the name, but he did not - only that she was a younger woman. Our town is less than 10,000, so everyone knows each other or at least knows someone that knows someone. I found out the next day that it was a nurse from one of the nursing homes in town. Her name sounded familiar but I just kept thinking, what could have been so terrible to put a gun to her head? My father committed suicide 9 years ago, and it's something you never really get over. Time does help heal, but there is always the nagging guilt, could I have done more? We have a much higher percentage of suicides in my small town and I'm not really sure why. Yes, it's hard to make a living and yes, real estate is at city prices. Maybe it's because we are a sophisticated small town with half rural types and half city types. It's hard to say. I've just been thinking about this young woman for the last 3 days. I bought our weekly paper today but her name was not in the obituaries yet. Having worked at the local newspaper for many years, they had plenty of time to get it in since it happened on Sunday night, but then our local paper only prints happy things, and tries to white-wash the bad news. I guess we're getting into the holidays and depression is the worst of the year. And the economy sucks. And people are losing hope in spite of the president's slogan. I just wish I could have talked to this woman. I wish I could have told her that her family will never get over it. I wish I could have told her that it was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I wish I could have told her to hang on, that life is a series of ups and downs, and it would have gotten better. I wish I could have told her that I care, even though I didn't even know her. Because every life is precious. Because God has a purpose for every single person on the planet. And I would tell her that I would help her find her way. And my last wish is that I could have told my dad similar things, and that I loved him.

If only, if only, if only....