"Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives."

Ok, I admit it, I stole this quote from the soap opera intro to Days of Our Lives, which I used to watch eons ago (but could pick it back up in one episode.)
Hourglasses have freaked me out since I was very young, and saw them on the Wizard of Oz with the Wicked Witch. In a very graphic way, you could see your life as those sands quickly going through the hourglass, never to come back again.... You just want to flip it over, and start all over again, but you know you can't. The reality is, we just get one hourglass, and we better make the most of it. Time is strange like that...

The concept of death hit me as a young child, about 4 or 5 years old, right after my great-grandmother died, whom I was extremely close to. Mammy was cool, and funny, and grand and let me do whatever I wanted. She was rich and lived at the top of a grand hotel (the St. Anthony) in downtown San Antonio. We used to stay with her when my parents (who were young) needed to get away from their 3 kids and take a trip. We would go downstairs to Peacock Alley, where all the old people would listen to beautiful live music, and they would say to me, "Dance, Dance!" I've always loved an audience, and it started my dance classes (and love of dance.) We would stare out of her window, and I would say, "Jesus is staring at me," since a huge methodist church across the street had Jesus looking in our window. We would play dress up in all of her cool clothes and jewelry box. Delicious memories.

I didn't quite understand the day she died, but when she didn't come back, it began to hit me. And then I remember crying for what seemed like days... She still hasn't come back, none of them have. Death is so final - ugh! They're here one day and poof - they're gone. I went for years trying not to think about it, but I'm not young anymore, and the older you get, the closer it gets, just using common sense. In my small town, we've lost three souls under the age of 16, and a local 31 year old in Afganhistan since school started. We've been under a dark cloud this year, and it's been tough to deal with. Even though I didn't know any of them very well, I know people who do and are hurting. And it does cross your mind, it could've been someone I do know very well, or my child, or me...
And then it hits me, I 've got to manage my 'sands' - my time, better. I'm not getting any younger. I've wasted a huge chunk of my life on really stupid stuff. And of course work takes up the vast majority of time as an adult anyway. And the rest of the day, I've got chores and I'm tired. Throw tv shows in there, and when can you do something substantive? But I've got to carve it out. I've got to cull the big time wasters out. I can hear that sand going through the hourglass. And I can only see the bottom of it - I can't see how much sand is left at the top....