"Win one for the Gipper..."

Tonight was the last home game of the year for my youngest's cheer squad. And as an 8th grader, it's also the last home game of her years at her Catholic school, which she has been at since she was 4 years old. One of the other 'cheer moms' asked if I was sad, and I immediately said no. As I thought about it, it sort of embarressed me, since she was looking for a yes. But honest me, I just blurted out no....

It's not that I'm not sad that she's getting older, and it's not that I haven't thought it's been a good school for her to be at. It's just... I'm tired. And I feel guilty that I'm tired. I'm a single mom, struggling to keep my head above water. We've had financial troubles since all the national problems hit, and well, it's all exhausting. I've just sold my house yesterday, at least I think I did. I signed all the papers, but it hasn't funded, so my realtor says it could be because the buyers got cold feet. And I feel guilty that I had this child at the end of my biological clock, because it makes it worse for her. So, for instance, this week the 8th grade football moms and the 8th grade cheer moms did a cute mom's skit at the pep rally for the final home game. All of these other young cheer moms are so full of energy, so enthusiastic. They had the dance choreographed, and bought props and edited music, and we practiced four or five times. After a full day of work, I just wanted to go home and prop my feet up, but alas, for the sake of my daughter and to fit in, I showed up to all, on time, and tried to be positive. All the while though, I'm thinking, I just want to go home.... Here are all of these beautiful, young moms with tons of energy and me. The old mom. Tired. Beat up. Exhausted. Single. Struggling.

I wish it weren't so. I wish, for my daughter's sake, that she could have a mom that she deserves, who could really be someone to be proud of. And believe me, I'm trying as hard as I can. I go to these get togethers but it's like I'm invisible. All these other moms are in couples that are all friends that do stuff together. I'm single and older, and they can't relate. It's as if I'm not there. But I'll keep trying...

For DD's sake.... because she deserves it.